I’m a devout onanist. It’s difficult to explain the attraction of onanism to someone who hasn’t felt it coursing through their body the way I have. Platonists will understood how alluring Forms can be. It’s quite a simple and pure sort of prayer. Like most onanists, contemplation of my god is never far from my mind – the urge to worship arises in me many times a day. We’re very enlightened – there are no strictures on images or idols – in fact it’s kind of encouraged as part of the ritual.

Onanism is often criticised, like Christianity and other eschatological religions, as being all about sticks and carrots. Indeed some members of the congregation like to use such devices when they’re going through the motions, but I find that just a source of running water or a tissue is all that i need – this way, i can take five minutes aside for my devotions whether i’m at work, or out shopping or whatever.

In its way it’s a kind of moving meditation, like the whirling dervishes, but a lot more centred in its emphasis. The joy i find in onanism is more like a gushing fountain of wellbeing that sustains me through my daily life. It can be communal, though most find they’re most comfortable on their own. Come any time – onanism welcomes new adherents, male or female.

Lessons red in tooth and claw

how cool – male dragonflies’ penises have elaborate hooks to try and scoop out the sperm from other mates stored by the female when mating

in a parasitic worm found in the intestines of rats, the male seals up the female after he has copulated with her

perhaps in future i could take a little spoon with me when i try and pull in clubs

New plans for a happier world

mastectomise her in her sleep. then you can truly love her

plus, you can take the spare breast home and cradle it to yourself during lonely moments

hopefully by then, we’ll be able to masturbate our brains directly, and we can truly dispense with womankind except perhaps as baby-bearing torsos