Whenever I want to lose weight, all I have to do is eschew solid food, shave my head and poop bulimically. I call it the neonate diet.

If I’d known I was going to die in a car crash, I’d have smoked more cigarettes.

the pure mathematician’s refrain – every day i’m getting meta and meta

a wasp flew into my room today. i really don’t like fucking animals. animal porn, of course, now that’s a different matter. nothing sexier than a rhino in a halterneck bra and stockings

I’m a devout onanist. It’s difficult to explain the attraction of onanism to someone who hasn’t felt it coursing through their body the way I have. Platonists will understood how alluring Forms can be. It’s quite a simple and pure sort of prayer. Like most onanists, contemplation of my god is never far from my mind – the urge to worship arises in me many times a day. We’re very enlightened – there are no strictures on images or idols – in fact it’s kind of encouraged as part of the ritual.

Onanism is often criticised, like Christianity and other eschatological religions, as being all about sticks and carrots. Indeed some members of the congregation like to use such devices when they’re going through the motions, but I find that just a source of running water or a tissue is all that i need – this way, i can take five minutes aside for my devotions whether i’m at work, or out shopping or whatever.

In its way it’s a kind of moving meditation, like the whirling dervishes, but a lot more centred in its emphasis. The joy i find in onanism is more like a gushing fountain of wellbeing that sustains me through my daily life. It can be communal, though most find they’re most comfortable on their own. Come any time – onanism welcomes new adherents, male or female.