Welcome, Vegetarians Anonymous – we can cure you

[man in white coat in a 21st century support group]

Welcome to Vegetarians Anonymous. If any of you are vegetarian, or think you might be, we can cure you. Apparently, in the early 21st century, they traced vegetarianism back to a stray gene introduced and allowed it to survive by the practice of allowing the most unproductive, undesirable and maladaptive male members of the population to be gainfully employed as sperm donors, fathering the next generation. Clearly, one or more of them was a vegetarian. He wouldn’t normally have been able to survive except in our liberal, overly-permissive western societies, and single-handedly spread his rogue seed through the population – it’s the equivalent of crapping in the genetic swimming pool


my emotions are being nice to me at the moment.
so i’m happy.

if they turn nasty,
and the gods and hormones cloud over my happiness,
then i will take action.

i will eat more chocolate,
do more sport,
talk more with my friends and combat lethargy.

in all these ways,
i am both a ship struggling in a stormy sea of emotional turmoil,
riding the crests and floundering in the troughs,
at the whim of an elemental rhythm,

but also a captain and pilot,
steering the straightest path,
my hand steadying with age and wisdom,
contentedness a learned, automaticised skill,

my friends my lighthouses
beacons on a shifting coast,
as i am to them.

the weather is whimsical,
whimsy the principle of the world,
but in harmony with naturalism and narrative,
somehow my life a story,
in which i am actor, director and audience all at once.

i ride the waves,
the vicissitudes and moods,
knowing that i have risen above
and that even though the surf may cause me to splutter,
until i sink the final time,
i float.